Connected Parenting is Good for All Kids

TBRI® is rooted in trauma-informed care but the truth is, connected parenting is beneficial for all children.

From the very beginning humans were designed to be in relationship. In Genesis 2, God stated, "It is not good for man to be alone." Decades of research in orphanages show that children cared for without touch, even when other physical needs are met, experience failure to thrive - decelerated or arrested physical growth (1).

British nutritionist Elsie Widdowson compared the health and well-being of children children cared for by a young, cheerful caregiver and an older, stern caregiver(2). The babies cared for by the young, cheerful woman gained weight and height at greater rates than those cared for by the older, stern woman. With one exception, her "favorites." Even when the children cared for by the stern caregiver received increased caloric intake, their growth rates were poor compared to those cared for by the cheerful caregiver. Once again with one exception, her "favorites."

What does this mean for us today, in a country without orphanages? Our children can survive a wide variety of parenting styles. They are resilient, flexible, and in most cases, we can rest assured that our parenting won't land them in the therapist's chair decades from now. But what if we can do better as parents? What if we attempted to build more connection into our parenting?

As a Love & Logic Facilitator, it's not uncommon to hear parents struggling to use the techniques effectively. Jim and Charles Fay themselves will tell you that what is most often amiss is the "Love" in Love & Logic. You don't have to read Facebook comments for very long to read how the problem with today's kids is a lack of strict parenting or physical punishment. It's easy to wonder if they are right, but the research suggests there is a better way.

Close your eyes and picture someone you admire from your childhood. What did you admire in this person? How did you feel when you were with them? What messages did they send you about you were as a person, how they felt about you, and who you could become? How did you feel if you misbehaved and this person knew?

Kids will misbehave, it's part of learning their place in the world, how things work, what they can accomplish, and who they are. We'll never eliminate misbehavior. The tendency to make good choices though lies not in the fear of punishment, but in the power of a relationship and how it will feel to disappoint someone we care about.

Focus on connection between you and your child and you will likely find you need consequences and control methods less and less often. Next time your child seeks your attention, give them 2 minutes, then stop back and let me know how it felt.

(1) Failure to Thrive (n.d.) Retrieved from http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/pediatrics/failure_to_thrive_90,P02297/

(2) Widdowson EM. Mental contentment and physical growth. Lancet. 1951;1:1316–1318. [PubMed]